What is Emotional Regulation?
It is when an individual has the ability to influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express these emotions. The opposite of emotional regulation would be allowing emotions to dictate and control when and how you express them (i.e. being reactive with violence, tantrums, and rebellion) and at times as a result, hurt people you don’t mean to hurt. Emotional regulation is not necessarily the absence of crying, the absence of tantrums, or the absence of behaviors that make us feel uncomfortable. Behaviors are feedback to us and an opportunity to learn how to repair, heal, and let go so that we can remain connected to ourselves and to others.
The fruits of learning to emotionally regulate can appear in the form of making healthy choices, taking responsibility for harm that you've done, responding well to things that don't go your way, having a healthy argument, and most importantly, feeling empowered and confident.
What makes a rainbow beautiful? Having a spectrum of colors. Emotions are like a rainbow- we require all of them to be healthy. Regulation starts with you, with your nervous system. Regulation simply means that we have the ability to control our emotions, not the other way around. But, we also have the more subtle behaviors when we aren't regulated such as a mere comment of "why did you do that??" when a child accidently knocks something over.
Be willing to learn. Being emotional is crying during a movie, but being vulnerable is saying "Hey kid, I'm really struggling right now". Model what you want your child to learn. Re-define emotions. To understand how to emotionally regulate, we have to ask ourselves how we perceive emotions. They are a form of energy. Do we see them as a weakness? How were we modeled emotions in our own childhood?
Preventatives are things we do on a regular basis to set us up for success. They are not just practiced right before a problem occurs, but something we practice weekly or daily basis
Emotions are part of being human, and it is a form of energy that gives of feedback. By not acknowledging emotions, we are teaching our children to suppress, which then leads to long-term concerns such as depression and anxiety.
Verbalizing out loud to someone or journaling this is crucial. Stating these in your head will not help. Find creative opportunities to do this throughout the day.
Consider: What triggers you? A specific comment, loud noises, someone telling you what to do? What physical sensations occur with those triggers? Tight chest, clenched hands, red face?
Examples: -white noise machines, going outside, splashing cold water on your face, running yours hands under cold water, doing chores, smelling essential oils, playing a fun game, walking away
How do you process information? Along with understanding your learning style (visual, auditory, or kinesthetic learner), do you process through your 5 senses (sensing) or your intuition (patterns& experiences)?
What environmental variables are going to help set you up for success? Do you need visuals, someone to talk to, or calendar reminders? Figure out what prompts will help you stay consistent in practicing based on your learning style
Emotional and physical safety is a prerequisite to calming your child down. When we do not feel safe we either shut down or we get stuck in a heightened state
P = pause. Teach your kids this with a "freeze dance". Pause and ask yourself "what is important to me?". Is the crying more important or is staying connected to my child more important? B = breathe. Breathe from your stomach and not your chest and exhale loudly and slowly. J = jelly. Dance like a jellyfish. Throw a pillow, squeeze a ball, shake out your emotions!
The N stands for "notice". How am I feeling? Notice your physical sensations. Is your jaw clenched or heart beating fast? O stands for "own it". Own your emotions. When I own my house, I also take responsibility for my house when something breaks. W = Wait it out. Take a walk outside or do some jumping jacks. Take as long as you need.
What is validation? Validation is a reflection of yourself and your thoughts allowed by another person. It is part of your identity. Validating means that you are showing your child (or even yourself) that you accept their feelings and thoughts, even if you disagree. Invalidating would look like saying "Its not a big deal" when a child cries for not being able to go out to play or "its not that bad" when a child hurts themselves. That's invalidating their experiences.
Empathy requires listening skills and perspective checking. This is where regulating ourselves in the NOW is going to be helpful before we do this. Empathy is a skill, and if we can empathize then we learn how to connect with our child. So an example would be saying "It must be so frustrating" when your child can't put on their jacket correctly, and remembering a time when you couldn't get something right, how frustrating that must be. Connect to the feeling.
Take a deep breath. I want you to think of the people, and places that make you feel safe. Is it loud or noisy? Is there soothing music in the background? Is it a squeeze or hug from someone? Where are you? Are you alone or are you with someone safe? Who is that? What do they say to you? What would look like going to a "Safe place" look like for your own child?
Praise. Why is this important? This gives them feedback and encourages confidence. The key to praise is to provide what we call behavior-specific praise. When we are specific, this clarifies what they did a great job at. Praise the behavior, not the person: "you are such a good boy" vs. "you did an amazing job taking deep breaths!". Why do we want to avoid praising the child? Because we don't want them to tie their value to "being a good boy".
Remember to practice these strategies for yourself as a parent. Practice these consistently and BEFORE meltdowns occur so that you are better prepared when they do occur.