What is Shame?
It is an experience of humiliation or distress that can develop into emotions of regret, unworthiness, anger, self-hate, and dishonor; the belief that the ‘wrong-doing’ is done by one’s self (self-blame vs. external blame). Toxic Shame can derive from positive and negative punishment
What does shame look like?
You are trying to get everyone ready and out the door, your child wants to put on their clothes themselves but puts it on backward or in your opinion takes too long so you take over and hurry them.” You jump in, chiding their slowness, fixing their mistakes, and generally making them feel less than through your actions, words, and tone. That’s shaming. Simple critical statement in response to an action, such as ‘What were you thinking?’ or ‘I can’t believe you just did that”, is shaming. Telling a child to “stop crying” or yelling “stop doing ________ !” is shaming. Time outs and public discipline can be form of shaming if not implemented correctly. Sarcasm, rolling our eyes, name-calling, showing disgust, are reactions that can shame someone because we are showing they are unworthy of our respect. Shaming is often utilized as a direct result of our own anger or frustration. By shaming someone, similarly to expressing anger, it makes us feel superior to the other person.
Like any emotion, there is healthy shame and toxic shame. Healthy shame cannot hurt us. Healthy shame provides us permission to be human (with the idea that humans can never, ever have unlimited power, and that we are perfectly imperfect). Healthy shame is a teacher to our egos and maintains structure/boundaries for our basic needs. Healthy shame inadvertently forms a healthy sense of self and self-worth– which affects how we go about our relationships. In healthy shame from infancy to adulthood you experience shyness -> full effect of shame -> guilt -> embarrassment ->inferiority -> limits to self-identity ->Love as exposing your vulnerable self -> experiencing life’s limits- suffering. Healthy shame makes you realize you don’t know it all, teaches you boundaries & structure, and ultimately provides you with a better mentality of openness and creativity.
Below is a psychologically summarized chart on how a person can develop throughout their life due to toxic shame:
Developmental Stages of Toxic Shame (Cited from the book “Healing the Shame that Binds You” from John Bradshaw):
0-6 months-Infancy: Faulty or traumatic attachment; failure to form interpersonal bridge. Pia Melody has shown how damaging the attachment bond can be when the parent or source figure has hidden feelings, thoughts, and fantasies. The child who is bonded to the parent will take on or “carry” the parents disowned or unexpressed feelings, thoughts, or fantasies. An immature parent with unresolved issues and repressed shame (or anger/other negative emotions for that matter) can transfer his/her shame to us (the child). This transference of shame is referred to ‘induced shame’.
6-18 months: Child is fearful; severe limits to curiosity. As a child feelings of excitement and curiosity bound by ‘shame’ severely limits a child’s courage and enthusiasm (thus becoming quiet, timid, shy, etc.)
18 months-3.5 years: Severe limits to autonomy; punishments; spankings; “breaking the child’s will”. Toddlerhood is when a child begins to stand on her own two feet and the urge to separate into self-hood. Crushing a toddlers autonomy in the form of shame (spanking, verbal punishments, etc.) is the most damaging form of shame. It will either resort to an extremity of conformity (lack of independence) or rebellion against authority.
3.5-8 yrs old: The need to defend and hide; emotional illiteracy. Shame turns into neurotic guilt. Conforming child believes they can do nothing right. Rebellious child believes they can do whatever they want, what they are doing is right, and everyone else is to blame.
8-puberty: Development of defending scripts; being perfect, controlling, rageful, critical, or being helpless/dysfunctional. Since healthy shame is permission to be human, toxic shame either turns a person into trying to be more than human, or giving up and becoming less than human. “Defending scripts” are developed. You either try to be more than human through perfectionism, controlling, blaming, righteous, criticism/contempt, rigid, or passive-aggressive (that was me). Or you become less human by slob/failure, out of control, self-blame, rage, self-judgement, lack of conscious (becoming a bully is an example).
Puberty: Beginning of compulsive addictive disorders; sexual compulsivity; sexual promiscuity; co-dependence; identity confusion; false self. By puberty toxically shamed individuals are at war with themselves and either conform to peer pressure/gang delinquency or are the good looking popular ones. This is also where sexual confusion can develop.
Young adult: Enmeshed marriage; frequent divorce; isolation; inability to connect; love as enmeshment. Feelings of failure develop, no real sense of true self, people-pleaser, over-functioning caregiver. Can feel isolated, alone, and lack of connection despite being married.
*Enmeshment is defined as a description of a relationship where personal boundaries are unclear (this can be in the form of disengagement or being overbearing/protective) which leads to a loss of autonomous development (i.e. not being able to differentiate between your emotions and those of a person whom you have a relationship with)
Late Adult: Homeless; active addition; severe depression; Job as conformity and boredom as a cover up for feeling of being flawed/defective. If toxic shame is not treated, this can lead to stagnation and despair and potentially personality disorders.
Healing Shame
“Intellectualizing about our problems is complex but easy, while doing something about them is simple but difficult”. - Abraham Low
Can you put aside the analyzing, and perceive shame from a perspective of ‘human suffering’?
The process of Healing Shame (derived from the John Bradshaw book):
Any shame-based person has been in a family of trauma. For example, a father scolded his daughter at one point. As he walked out he slapped her a few times, then the child cried, and he slapped her again for crying. Then he dragged his daughter to the ice cream parlor to shut her up. The child is learning at an early age that she’s not wanted, that it’s all her fault, that she’s not a person, that her feelings don’t count, and that she is responsible for other people’s feelings. *In a healthy family, a child’s feelings are validated. For example a boy getting angry with his mom for not being home, and his father for being away–his parents were happy he was able to express his anger towards them and validated that anger. (Shame-based parents would have guilted him for expressing anger)
Proactive Strategies:
Determine the core function of your shame (fear of _______, inadequacy of self, etc.)
Find a Social network or community. The key is to find people who are non-judgmental and non-shaming. Seek out people who know how to mirror your feelings and emotions– not just give opinions, thoughts, and solutions.
Shame based people tend to seek out other shame-based people. Upon finding a good community family, shift your dependency on that new family. I.e. Instead of choosing a partner/friend who you may feel need you or will dependent on you (AKA confusing love with pity or a rescue-type relationship), commune with those who expect nothing from you except to celebrate your true, genuine self
It’s easy for shame-based people to hide their mistakes with perfectionism, control, blame, criticism, contempt. Consider any behaviors you may engage in to “cover up” your shame or deny it.
Acknowledge that shame-based people often do not believe they have the right to depend on anyone, and try to re-condition that concept. Re-condition your brain that it IS okay to seek help and accountability, and that its HEALTHY and will benefit you over time
Admit you are powerless, surrender to the pain, and embrace it. Tell yourself “its okay that I am like this and there is nothing wrong with that”. Remember, that healthy shame says “its okay to be human”
Once you have accepted acknowledged the fact that you have endured a lot of shame, reach out to something greater than yourself (i.e. God)
Remember that internalized shame feels hopeless and irremediable. It is seen as a mistake, flawed, and that there is nothing that can be done. Re-condition that perception that there is a possibility of a remedy
Once recognized and acknowledged, talk about your shame. Don’t just think, but verbally share it. By sharing, you are embracing the pain of your shame and exposing yourself to the eyes of others. You let others see how bad you have actually felt about yourself. It’s stating “I’ve accepted and I have nothing to fear”, there is no more cover-up of your shame
After validation and support, you need to experience the feelings that were not allowed. This involves “grief work” (anger, remorse, hurt, depression, sadness, and loneliness). Do this with someone who has experience in this and addressing it adequately (therapist, counselor, etc.)
Lastly, asking a higher being to remove our shortcomings because we understand that we are worthy of them being removed. We acknowledge that we have failed. With this–forms guilt. Guilt, is the morality shame that forms our conscience. To be shameless is to have no conscience, but guilt pushes us to change, to make amends, and to grow. Making amends means to address the people we have harmed from our shame, as well as acknowledging those who have harmed us through shame. Restore your relationships based upon honesty, intimacy, and vulnerability.