Emotions, Trauma & development in children

At age 2 or 3 they can begin labeling emotions, however they likely do not fully understand what that emotion means. 
The milestones (below) can happen ONLY if they have the proper support to regulate. Until the age of 7 or 8, they are dependent on a regulated, present, safe adult to co-regulate. If not, this will result in lasting trauma. Children rely on co-regulation. Co-regulation is our ability to regulate and moderate our reactions by using another's presence as a mirror for the smallest things (not getting your favorite tv shirt, etc) 

• Children will not regulate if..

• The adult is not reliable / follows through with what they said

• Adult is not around or present/ distracted 

• Adult is not regulated (feeling overwhelmed, stressed, anger issues, anger directed to the child)

• Adult lacks introspection (capacity for self reflection to recognize your own emotions). If you don’t recognize you are angry, how do you know to calm yourself? If you don’t know you are sad, how do you know how to soothe yourself? How can you apply this to the child if you are unsure about this yourself?

As a result, they have trouble with emotional regulation, attachment (not feeling safe), difficulty with trust, and creating healthy relationships with others and themselves.

Children under the age of 7 do not know how to apply logic to questions, reason or understand when someone is responding to them with logic. The brain begins developing this part of the brain (prefrontal cortex) between age 7-11. Example of logic: “If P is this, then P is that”. Think of math. If I touch fire, I will burn my fingers. If it rains, I should take my umbrella with me. If I don’t wear my jacket when it's cold outside, I will be cold. If I take a toy from someone, they will be angry.

Logic includes skills such as judgment and making decisions. It is a skill we learn and develop and we can only acquire it through learning—and only at an age when the cognitive system and brain development allow for such learning (between ages 12 and 15). It needs to be developed, taught and modeled by those around us between the ages 3-15. Keep in mind this is different from critical thinking (problem solving). 

Children cannot self regulate (calm themselves down) until the age of 7 or 8 (approximation). if they have high emotional intelligence, they may be able to process their emotions at an earlier age. Those who are older but lower emotional intelligence, they could be age 9 or 10 and still not be able to. 

When Children reach puberty (13 years old and older), hormones begin to activate, which trigger a massive change in the brain. This is a very crucial moment for parents to support (and continue to co-regulate) with teens. This happens several years before the development of empathy can begin.

What can I do or how can I respond if I am seeing signs of lack of safety?

• Meet and comfort their emotions

• Prioritize this over your own agenda or blocked care

• Engage in curiosity, acceptance and play

  It’s common that many of us may not have experienced this growing up. If we don’t know what this looks like or haven’t experienced this-- seek training, resources and support and start applying and practicing this in your day to day. It’s never too late to repair and to offer safety. 
  
  What is blocked care? When we the adult, do not receive the response we expect from the child or adult, or do not receive a response that creates connection, we begin finding ways to avoid interacting with that individual. When we do, it feels like hard work or it feels frustrating, increasing the chance of self-dysregulation.

A person’s long-term well-being results in building emotional intelligence, which is important because, more than IQ, emotional intelligence determine success in all walks of life. The ability to understand other people and work with them is critical to success in modern work life. - John Gottman