How to communicate during conflict: Voice your EFN
Many of us were rarely taught how to communicate in a healthy way. Here is a simple acronym to communicate safely and effectively. Voice your...Emotion, Fear, and Need (EFN)
Step 1: Understand Context
Remember that this is a new skill that you and your loved ones are practicing. A skill takes practice, time, failed mistakes, patience, and compassion. Have realistic expectations.
Step 2 : Preventative measure
Practice this skill when....
You are not fighting
You are not in a heated situation
You are not angry or frustrated
You are in a good mood
This requires commitment, planning, and discipline to do but it will make your practice much easier
Step 3: Prerequisites
To voice your EFN, you need to be in a regulated state (not heightened, and in control of your emotions). This goes for the person you are conversing with as well. If you are not, recognize that this is not the time to communicate.
Step 4: Self-Awareness
Recognize signs of being triggered,/dysregulated
Blaming “You are not listening” or “You’re doing this, that’s why we keep fighting”
Mind reading/assumptions: “you don’t even care”
Getting reactive “Why did you do that?” or “I already told you”
Shutting down, not responding, or walking away
Defensiveness “no that’s not what I said” or “I’m not doing that”
Rationalizing or explaining behavior “This is why I said this…”
Fixing the problem or trying to offer a solution
Forecasting: “but this could happen later”
Deflecting: changing the subject or bringing up the past
Criticizing: “You’re not doing it the right away” or “You’re always forgetting”
A trigger can be a tone, a phrase, a look, a sound, almost anything! When we are triggered, it means a past memory that has become a wound or a painful experience, is brought back into the present, as if it were happening again. When this happens, our bodies go into fight or flight mode (survival mode), unable to process what is happening in the present moment. We can’t be open, collaborative or receive.
Step 5: Implementing EFN
Be very specific with your need. Instead of saying “You need to comfort me”, tell them what comfort looks like.
“I need you to hug me when I cry”
“I need you to stay quiet when I talk”
“I need to tell me “It will be okay”
Here are some example statements of using EFN:
Context: Partner Being Defensive
“I feel unheard right now (emotion). I’m terrified this is disconnecting us (fear). I need you to take a deep breath, and just say ‘I hear you’ when I share” (need).
Context: Delegating responsibilities
“I feel really frustrated right now (emotion). I’m scared that I will end up doing all the chores and hit my breaking point (fear). I need us to split some of the work and write this down so I don’t feel so overwhelmed” (need)
Recognize that the other child or adult WILL have triggers (that are not in your control) and you may not recognize you’ve triggered them. If they seem dysregulated or not in a place to listen to you, set a boundary, request a break, and schedule a better time to talk.
This may look like…
“Let’s take a break to calm down and return in an hour to talk. I’ll set a timer.”
“I’m not in a place to listen right now. I’m going to the room to take a break. I’ll come to you when I’m ready.”
“I can tell you’re feeling upset. Let’s talk about this tomorrow when we both feel better.”
A few additional reminders if you want to try EFN:
Ideally, the listener should engage in reflective listening as a response to your EFN. Reflective listening is not about being right or wrong, or you giving them your opinion or experience. Reflective listening is about the listener (the person receiving the EFN) recognizing and acknowledging the speaker’s need. We have to remember that saying “I can see what is important to you” or “I hear this is what you are saying” does not = “I agree with what you say”, it simply communicates that they are worth listening to.
When you are “taking your break”— this does not mean you use this time to shut down and zone out. Break time needs to be intentional and focused on calming your body and nervous system down. This could look like talking to a friend, practicing breath work, or journaling what you are frustrated about. Some of this can include zoning out as well if you just need a mental break, but carve only 10% of your time for this.
To truly be able to practice this skill requires you to have a strong identity, awareness of your needs, and emotional self-awareness. It doesn’t mean you need to be perfect at this, but it does mean that any choice we make (to have a child, to get married, etc) it comes with some work. This will be an especially hard muscle to exercise for people who struggle with people-pleasing or get stuck in fawn mode. Those who have unprocessed trauma and engage in avoiding their emotions will also equally have a much harder time, but remember that the more you exercise that muscle, the stronger it gets.
Last, remember to come back to the topic instead of leaving it hanging. This is called repairing.