Annie Chen 5/31/24 Annie Chen 5/31/24

How to communicate during conflict: Voice your EFN

Many of us were rarely taught how to communicate in a healthy way. Here is a simple acronym to communicate safely and effectively. Voice your...Emotion, Fear, and Need (EFN)

Step 1: Understand Context
Remember that this is a new skill that you and your loved ones are practicing. A skill takes practice, time, failed mistakes, patience, and compassion. Have realistic expectations.

Step 2 : Preventative measure
Practice this skill when....

You are not fighting
You are not in a heated situation
You are not angry or frustrated
You are in a good mood

This requires commitment, planning, and discipline to do but it will make your practice much easier

Step 3: Prerequisites

To voice your EFN, you need to be in a regulated state (not heightened, and in control of your emotions). This goes for the person you are conversing with as well. If you are not, recognize that this is not the time to communicate.

Step 4: Self-Awareness

Recognize signs of being triggered,/dysregulated

Blaming “You are not listening” or “You’re doing this, that’s why we keep fighting”
Mind reading/assumptions: “you don’t even care”
Getting reactive “Why did you do that?” or “I already told you”
Shutting down, not responding, or walking away
Defensiveness “no that’s not what I said” or “I’m not doing that”
Rationalizing or explaining behavior “This is why I said this…”
Fixing the problem or trying to offer a solution
Forecasting: “but this could happen later”
Deflecting: changing the subject or bringing up the past
Criticizing: “You’re not doing it the right away” or “You’re always forgetting”

A trigger can be a tone, a phrase, a look, a sound, almost anything! When we are triggered, it means a past memory that has become a wound or a painful experience, is brought back into the present, as if it were happening again. When this happens, our bodies go into fight or flight mode (survival mode), unable to process what is happening in the present moment. We can’t be open, collaborative or receive.

Step 5: Implementing EFN

Be very specific with your need. Instead of saying “You need to comfort me”, tell them what comfort looks like.

“I need you to hug me when I cry”

“I need you to stay quiet when I talk”

“I need to tell me “It will be okay”

Here are some example statements of using EFN:

Context: Partner Being Defensive

“I feel unheard right now (emotion). I’m terrified this is disconnecting us (fear). I need you to take a deep breath, and just say ‘I hear you’ when I share” (need).

Context: Delegating responsibilities

“I feel really frustrated right now (emotion). I’m scared that I will end up doing all the chores and hit my breaking point (fear). I need us to split some of the work and write this down so I don’t feel so overwhelmed” (need)

Recognize that the other child or adult WILL have triggers (that are not in your control) and you may not recognize you’ve triggered them. If they seem dysregulated or not in a place to listen to you, set a boundary, request a break, and schedule a better time to talk.

This may look like…

“Let’s take a break to calm down and return in an hour to talk. I’ll set a timer.”

“I’m not in a place to listen right now. I’m going to the room to take a break. I’ll come to you when I’m ready.”

“I can tell you’re feeling upset. Let’s talk about this tomorrow when we both feel better.”

A few additional reminders if you want to try EFN:

Ideally, the listener should engage in reflective listening as a response to your EFN. Reflective listening is not about being right or wrong, or you giving them your opinion or experience. Reflective listening is about the listener (the person receiving the EFN) recognizing and acknowledging the speaker’s need. We have to remember that saying “I can see what is important to you” or “I hear this is what you are saying” does not = “I agree with what you say”, it simply communicates that they are worth listening to.
When you are “taking your break”— this does not mean you use this time to shut down and zone out. Break time needs to be intentional and focused on calming your body and nervous system down. This could look like talking to a friend, practicing breath work, or journaling what you are frustrated about. Some of this can include zoning out as well if you just need a mental break, but carve only 10% of your time for this.
To truly be able to practice this skill requires you to have a strong identity, awareness of your needs, and emotional self-awareness. It doesn’t mean you need to be perfect at this, but it does mean that any choice we make (to have a child, to get married, etc) it comes with some work. This will be an especially hard muscle to exercise for people who struggle with people-pleasing or get stuck in fawn mode. Those who have unprocessed trauma and engage in avoiding their emotions will also equally have a much harder time, but remember that the more you exercise that muscle, the stronger it gets.
Last, remember to come back to the topic instead of leaving it hanging. This is called repairing.

Annie Chen 5/18/24 Annie Chen 5/18/24

What is anxiety and what can I do about it?

What is anxiety?

Anxiety is a fear-based reaction stemming from a series of traumatic events or stress-related events that have occurred in a person’s life. More specifically, it is a fear of an unwanted future or an unwanted past, therefore has a lot to do with an attempt to regain control of a situation or person in the present moment situation. It is the product of a specific combination of emotions (such as shame and fear) that were not processed in the way they should have been at the time of the stressful event. As a result, anxiety becomes a form of self-protection and a coping skill.

How do I know I’m experiencing anxiety?

Anxiety can show up in our thoughts, behaviors, emotions, and bodies. See how it can show up below:

Thoughts:

Inability to make decisions
Repetitive worrying thoughts
Ruminating on a problem
Negativity or critical thoughts
Racing thoughts

Behaviors:

Insomnia
Forgetfulness
Procrastinating
Keeping yourself busy
Inability to make mistakes

Emotions:

Feeling on edge
Overwhelmed
Not feeling confident
Irritable
Feeling scared

Body:

Headaches
Muscle aches & tension
Jaw tension or TMJ
Chest Pain
Upset Stomach

*It is important to note that anxiety is not exclusive to only these symptoms

How do I know when I need to address anxiety?

If you have ever experienced any of the symptoms above at any point, it is helpful to address them right away. Just like brushing our teeth to prevent cavities, we want to take preventative measures before it gets worse. When anxiety begins impacting your ability to maintain healthy relationships, build relationships, or create a consistent decrease in life satisfaction, this is a red flag to take note of. When we delay addressing our anxiety symptoms for too long, this can lead to disorders such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), depression, chronic pain, and eventually even autoimmune disorders. Seek out professional help from a therapist, a behavior coach, or practice consistent self-compassion. To practice self-compassion, try these 3 easy mental hacks I recommend based on the principles of acceptance commitment therapy (ACT), a compassion-focused modality of behavior therapy.

3 mental hacks for anxiety

1. Lean in

Have you ever used a finger trap? If not, I recommend you to try it! A finger trap is a simple puzzle contraption that traps a person’s two fingers inside the woven bamboo piece when placed inside on both ends. Instinctually, we often think to get out of a finger trap we need to pull our fingers out, in which case our fingers get stuck. The trick to getting your fingers out is to lean in and push your fingers toward one another.

Similarly, with our emotions, we want to lean in instead of moving away from the emotion. Leaning in is the acceptance and willingness to acknowledge the emotion is there, but it doesn’t mean you have to like the emotion. Acknowledge it by thinking about it, writing it down, or sharing it out loud with a friend. The more we avoid the emotion by distracting ourselves (with Netflix or phone scrolling) the more we get trapped in our fear and anxiety.

2. Alter ego

Think of the characters Jekyll & Hyde from the 1880’s novel or Hulk from the Marvel comic series. Both characters have two alter egos. Dr. Jekyll is a kind scientist who can become Mr. Hyde, an evil villain who avoids responsibility and commits crimes. Bruce Banner is a kind doctor who can become Hulk, an uncontrollable monster driven by rage. Dr. Jekyll and Bruce both need to acknowledge and accept that both alter egos are part of their identity, and ultimately their true desire is the ability to control both identities.

Similarly, with our emotions, it is important to understand that our emotions are a part of what makes us human and they come out for a reason. They are often feedback that there is something we are neglecting in our health. However, when we get consumed by our emotions, then our emotions begin to become the driver of our thoughts and actions and we become the passenger (like Hulk’s rage or Mr. Hyde). Learn to distance yourself from your emotions by giving them an ‘alter ego’. Give it a name and make it an entity. For example, “Negative Nancy is talking again” or “Anxious Abby is at it again”. If you aren’t comfortable with trying this, you can also use the statement “My brain is telling me I’m worthless again”, and try speaking to that entity like you would to a friend in need. Practice this either in your self-talk or when talking with a safe friend or partner.

3. BYOD (Be Your Own Detective)

What makes a detective good at their job? Before a detective successfully solves a case, they observe, look at the clues, analyze, and approach with curiosity. We can also be a detective with our thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and physical symptoms. Simply noticing and observing how you feel or what physical symptoms come up (even in the next 2-3 days after) when you experience anxiety can give you helpful feedback. That feedback can help you understand what necessary boundaries need to be set and provide you direction with your future choices.

Challenge and question your thoughts and emotions with curiosity: “Is that statement true?”, “Will I feel the same intensity of this emotion in 3 days?”, “What is my anxiety telling me about my needs?” or, “I notice my chest feels tight whenever I see a deadline”.

What does current research say about ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy)?

For additional tips on dealing with anxiety click here for a free resource.