Change begins with understanding the self-sabotaging patterns we engage in
When conflicts arise, we want our partner to change their behavior, or our child to change their behavior. Sometimes we even want our own parents to change their behavior. Here is what we rarely understand: Those are our survival responses, and If we want our circumstances to change for good, it starts with inner work.
A crucial aspect to any change we want to see, is change within ourselves. But, what often gets us stuck is self-inflicting punishment we place on ourselves. Thoughts like…
Why did I do that??
Why can’t I calm down?
I really need to stop doing ______
I can’t believe I acted that way. It would be easier to just pretend it didn’t happen
She has her life together, and I don’t
People my age are married, clearly I’m not there yet because of _____
I’m being so lazy
I need to stop doing _____
I have to do _____ otherwise what if this happens?
I’m too nice. I need to set more boundaries.
I did it again. What’s wrong with me?
I shouldn’t watch TV because I wasn’t even productive today
This isn’t who we really are. These are voices and patterns that have been ingrained in us at some point in our lives growing up. Here is what all of these examples have in common: shame, rules, unrealistic expectations, comparing, minimizing, labels, judgement, and criticizing. All forms of punishment we give ourselves. The punishment we inflict on ourselves, becomes a reflecting of how we treat others and perceive others—which can then turn into a harmful interaction.
As I always say, how someone treats others or talks about others, is a reflecting of their own insecurities and inner demons. Recognizing this or reading this in itself may prompt you to dismiss, but I urge you to resist. Instead, learn how to offer self-compassion. Self-compassion is often the antidote to shame and punishment, but self-compassion is a skill we often are not taught growing up. Consider replacing one of the above thoughts with one of these…
Would I say this to my friend? My child? My colleague?
“There we go again, I can see part of me is struggling and that’s okay”
“What am I ignoring?”
“If I know how to be a good friend to others, I can be a good friend to myself. What would I do if my friend was suffering?”
“You are not your mistakes”
“It’s okay to feel frustrated and hurt”
“I’m not lazy, I’m struggling”
“I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve been given”
“I’m scared, and I choose to be present with it. My emotions are my friends, not my enemy”
“You care so much that it’s making you angry, that must be hard”
“I have a need under that criticism. What is that need?”
“you don’t need to do anything in order to be valuable and loved”
Remember that as you practice self-compassion, it is likely a muscle you’ve never used or rarely used. Like any muscle, it will take time, practice, and consistency to build up and become effective.
Can you accept the word “no”?
Can you accept the word “no”?
•You ask your partner if they can help you with something and they say “no”
•You ask your friend if they want to hang out today and they say “no”
•You ask your child to clean up their toys and they say “no”
Do you get reactive, upset, or offended?
If you find it difficult to hear or experience that word, it might be worth exploring this within yourself. The word “no” can be paired with previous experiences of rejection, abandonment, or neglect in your past. It can also be associated for the need to control, whether that is the ability to control a person or situation.
A no could be received and interpreted as “this person is going to leave me” or “this person doesn’t value me”. It could also be interpreted as “If this person doesn’t do what I say, something bad is going to happen”. All of the above are fear-based thoughts and are typically created as a way to protect ourselves from previous painful experiences of “no’s”.
But remember a “no” is not a good or bad response. It is merely just, a response. For some, it may be used to set healthy boundaries. For some, it may be used because they don’t know what else to say. For children, it may be to the extent of the language they have to self-advocate.
Remember to ask yourself the next time you feel reactive to a no:
•How am I defining a “no”? How does the other person define a “no”?
•Am I putting my self value in a “no”?
•What am I trying to control and why?
•What is my childhood/history with a “no”?
•What have I been taught in the past when someone says “no” to me
•What is the core issue?
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