Verbal Abuse
Experiencing verbal abuse with a partner or family member is more common than we realize. As someone who has experienced freedom, liberation, and deep connection with their partner amidst patterns of verbal abuse, here are some helpful tips to know.
Engaging in verbal abuse is often a learned behavior, rooted in a person’s environment and childhood. Many individuals who engage in it are unaware of what verbal abuse is or that they are perpetrating it. As someone on the receiving end, attempts to change their behavior by sending them articles, reacting emotionally (silent treatments, yelling, crying and then expecting comfort), storming off, or simply stating "you are verbally abusing me" are unlikely to be effective and, in fact, may exacerbate the situation. (Believe me, I've tried it all.) These reactions, stemming from unhealthy anger and coping mechanisms, do not foster connection but rather create further distance.
Let’s define verbal abuse: It's a form of language and communication intended to cause harm to another individual, often interchangeable with emotional abuse. Verbal abuse includes belittling, using a harsh tone, gaslighting, blaming, criticizing, denying, making accusations, or using humor to demean.
Often, the motivation behind verbal abuse (beyond learned behaviors) is a need for control and a desire to mask underlying pain. These individuals feel powerless, and confronting their pain is overwhelming. Therefore, they resort to verbal abuse as a coping mechanism, a way to conceal their vulnerability and push others away. While a harmful coping strategy, it falls under the same umbrella of other harmful anger episodes.
You cannot force someone to change, but you can alter how you receive, respond to, and manage verbal abuse. Transforming your anger, your hurt, and how your partner treats you has more to do with you, than them. Imagine verbal abuse as a skunk you're forced to coexist with. You don't want to eliminate it, but you also can't embrace it. What can you do? Perhaps you create designated spaces (the skunk gets one room, you get another), or you provide distractions (offering "treats" in a specific corner). Some trial and error will be necessary to find effective strategies. The point is, alternative responses and solutions exist, but often we lack the tools and knowledge to implement them, leading us to feel trapped and perpetuate cycles of pain and anger—fixating on the perception of being permanently stuck with a "skunk."
What can you do? Practice communicating your needs, establish healthy boundaries, and address your wounds and triggers. Often, relationships involving verbal abuse resonate with our nervous systems, even if they are painful, due to our own dysfunctional upbringings. Therefore, breaking this dynamic requires disrupting current relationship patterns. The good news is that you only need one person in the relationship to break with cycle.
Here are three crucial questions to address to break the cycle:
Am I willing to do what is necessary, regardless of guilt or justifications?
Am I willing to consistently practice setting boundaries and communicating my needs assertively?
Am I willing to confront my own wounds to prevent them from hindering constructive responses?
Here are four tips and expectations:
Unexpected Reactions: A different response will likely surprise your partner. They are not accustomed to this new approach, and you might encounter an "extinction burst," where their reactions initially worsen before improving. This is a natural human response, similar to how symptoms can intensify before recovery during illness.
Grace and Understanding: No one is perfect. When setting boundaries with someone unfamiliar with them, it can be perceived as punishment, leading to defensiveness and reactive behavior. Expect this during the extinction burst phase. More importantly, adjust your expectations and offer reassurance. Consider a preemptive conversation: "I'm going to try something new in our relationship: voicing my needs and preferences more directly. I'm doing this because I care about our relationship, and I want to fight for it."
Connection & Compassion: Your partner is the way they are today for a reason, but so are your reactions. Diving deep into attachment style wounds, enneagram, childhood stories, and even relationship fears (if they are willing) will give you a better understanding why they act this way. Prioritize dialog and connection (and use apps or online resources for preset questions), and use what you learn to your advantage and place yourself in each others stories. Focus on the emotions that come up when you imagine yourself in their stories. How helpless it must have felt, how frustrating it must have been, how inadequate it must have felt.
Non-Linear Progress: Expect setbacks and imperfections. You will both make mistakes. Extend grace not only to your partner but also to yourself. Changing a dynamic established over many years is challenging. It requires time and self-compassion. Like any new skill, we don’t go from lifting 3 pounds of weights to 200 pounds of weight the next day if we’ve never worked out– we start small, rest, take breaks when necessary, and replenish ourselves to make progress.
If you want to learn more, you can book a 1:1 session with Annie and/subscribe to her email list. She will be coming out with a more in-depth course on emotions (and more) soon!