Anger & 3 Minute Hack
I have a special relationship with anger. It’s had a hold on me my entire life, until recently. I grew up defining anger as episodes of yelling, screaming, throwing items, or silent treatments. Anger was seen as something bad, because someone angry = I was in trouble, they don’t love me, it’s my fault, or I’m not good enough. When my mom used to lecture or yell at me, I would get angry and yell back at her. When my friends and I had disagreements, I would get angry and avoid them. When my partner didn’t understand what I was trying to say, I would get angry and criticize them. For the longest time, I was always in denial of my anger. I was in denial that I had anything to address or work on because I was too busy blaming others. My brain was resistant in the form of fear. Fear of change, fear of failure, fear of success even. But, there was a point in my life where I started getting tired of always feeling angry. I was tired of my blood boiling. I was tired of it affecting me physically. I was tired of it hurting my relationships. I started realizing, something is really off. Everything changed when I took a deep dive into my internal behaviors (what we call private events), as a behavior analyst. I realized I had been utilizing anger the wrong way. Not because I intended to, but because this was the relationship I was taught growing up.
Anger is not explosive episodes, yelling, or screaming. Anger is an outward expression of hurt, fear, or frustration. An experience of pain or grief that has not been processed, boundaries that have been crossed, or needs that have not been met. “What is that surge of energy I feel when I feel angry or frustrated then?”, you might ask. That surge of energy is what we call being activated in your “fight or flight”, a natural survival response our body engages in to protect us from a threat. Angry outbursts can develop when a person feels defeated, powerless, or has been betrayed in some way-- and they were never taught how to respond to those feelings of betrayal and powerlessness in a way that could help them feel safe again, so they stay in fight or flight.
But can you imagine a life where..
Where anger becomes your greatest ally, revealing hidden depths of your identity?
Where you know exactly what to do with your volcanic surges of energy, and how to use it to inspire you instead of feeling held down?
Where your anger helps you build deeper relationships?
I can. It’s my life today. Check out my 3-minute visual hack on calming your anger here.
Anger is a tricky emotion. It tricks us into thinking something is wrong, either with ourselves or that person across from us who is having a temper tantrum. But the reality is, anger can simply be a long overdue cry for help. However, when we are not taught how to sit with anger or befriend it, it becomes as a threat, a chronic threat that our bodies fight until the body can’t take it anymore. We start getting headaches, body aches, we get irritated for no reason, or unexpectedly triggered. We get anxious, we dismiss, we ignore. We start attacking our loved ones, end up in fights, and start criticizing. Our palms get sweaty, our hearts beat fast, and sometimes we just can’t take it anymore. It becomes a vicious cycle of being stuck in a fight or flight with our anger.
Anger is not just moments of angry outbursts. “Subtle” anger moments can also be moments of stress, irritation, anxiety, resentment, and bitterness. Our body can be very good at masking it for the sake of survival. These feelings may eventually push us to snap at someone or push someone away unintentionally. We do this because we have a misunderstood relationship with anger. But no one truly wants that.
Here’s the good news: Anger is an emotional skill. A skill that anyone can unlearn, relearn, and build upon at any age. This means it’s never too late to build a healthier relationship with anger. If you are curious about where to start, check out my ebook here, or if you are ready to learn specific tools on how to process a wide range of emotions, click here.